I don’t really think of myself as desiring to be perfect. Yet here I am feeling very anxious about the creation of my new website. A website that is a collection of all things ME! And I want it to be perfect!
When I hit publish I had a mixture of feelings: elation, scared, apprehensive and I noticed fear. Then a few minutes after hitting “publish” and while still on the phone with my friend and web designer, I said: “OK let’s take it down because I am not ready. ” She responded “OH, I am not sure if we can do that now after you published it.” Whether that is true or not is really not the issue. For me, right now the big part of this is about my feelings around–how exposed I feel by hitting publish.
I have had a website for about 6 years. However, this website feels different to me. It is being “published” at a time in my life when so many things are changing and being exposed. And even as I write these words I think “You are always at a time in your life when things are changing and being exposed.” So I smile to myself and think: “OK, so what is different about publishing this website?” This is the burning question that I will ponder. Who is going to grade me or critique me or compliment me or the deeper question is “Who is going to SEE me.”
Isn’t that what we all want deep down inside. To be seen, to be heard, to be desired, to be validated and to be LOVED? And here I am watching myself while expressing myself through this action of writing this blog. My desire to continue to delve deeper into these parts of myself that somehow want to be exposed. These parts that want and desire a light to be switched on so I can excavate and birth more of myself. And because of this self-examination, the light that was turned towards those shadowy dark spots within myself brought illumination to them and helped them rise to the surface.
This is all I ever want to do. See my words and explore them more and more. Learn from and listen to my words and then touch the feelings inside of me that those words bring up. Explore the thoughts and feelings
that rise from the beliefs/ideas/stories around the words that are being expressed.
Explore, dive deeper, feel, have compassion, empathy and ultimately love myself for all those parts of me that rise.
Perfection is really not part of my make up. I want these chinks in my armoring that living life out loud brings. I want those flaws and defects that make me human and vulnerable. I want to live my life in transparency so there is not much hidden and this is alongside the many mysteries and unknown parts of myself waiting to be explored.
I have been offering Wellness Coaching services for over 20 years. I am always honored and thrilled to work with people who are willing and desirous of connecting to their deeper selves. My work caters to those that have already done transformational work and are ready to go to another level of self-discovery.
I invite you to contact me at Diane@dianedivone.com to set up your free 15 Minute Introductory Session.
