“Pearls don’t lie on the seashore. If you want one, you must dive for it.” ~ Chinese proverb
I am aware of the risk I am taking every time I share the depth of how I feel with another person.
Am I projecting?
Am I observing?
Am I evaluating?
Am I coming from a regressed (or young child mind) place?
Or can I actually be in my adult self presenting how I am feeling about certain behaviors exhibited by the other person and choose to share this with that person. This can be a very tricky, uncomfortable and scary experience for both parties involved.
Possible thoughts from the person initiating the dialogue~
- Will the person receive how I feel?
- Will they be able to hear all of my words?
- Will they personalize my experience?
- Will I stop myself from sharing “too much” because I am afraid of *hurting their feelings?
- Will their feelings be hurt no matter what I say?
- Will the person listening be able to sort through their own experience while still listening?
- Will there be space and room for all of the words to be said with the hope of it being sorted out even if there are disagreements.
Possible thoughts from the person receiving~
- This doesn’t feel good to me
- I do not agree with your words or feelings about this situation
- I notice I am starting to feel annoyed, frustrated or angry
- I am noticing that maybe some of what you are saying is valid
- I don’t like hearing how you feel about something that I did, said or just how I be
- Go tell this to someone else because now I am getting pissed off at you
- How dare you say these things to me
- I am none of those things that you are saying you are experiencing about me
Possible ideas for both parties in this situation~
- Can a space be created for each person to explore the situation together while creating an expanded conversation around the relationship?
- Can each person be able to revisit the experience as many times as needed in order to understand each other and be able to see what each person sees in the other person and allow for the differences?
- Is each person courageous and clear enough to hold a space for their respective experiences inside this discussion?
- Can room be created for the disagreements and hardships that this may bring?
I have found that most people will not divulge how they deeply feel about someone because they are afraid of *“hurting someone’s feelings.” And what I say to that is I cannot hurt another adults feelings. However, they can feel hurt. If a person has hurt feelings it is their responsibility to explore what it is inside of them that is creating the discord between what they are hearing from another, how they are feeling and how they see themselves. I like to think of my sharing as a path to deepening intimacy by taking total responsibility for all of my own thoughts, feelings and actions.
If I stop myself from sharing what is rising for me inside a relationship than for me it is NOT a relationship worthy of my time, energy or depth. I am all in no matter how difficult it may be at times. I show up and hope that people want to show up along side me.
This behavior wasn’t modeled to me as a child. So much so that my partner David and I created a word for this ~Sneakrecy. This word encompasses sneaking and secrets. That is what I lived with as a child. Where is mom? Answer: She’s away for a while? Where did she go? Answer: Oh, she’ll be back soon? Hushed conversations on the telephone in the middle of the night that I couldn’t understand because it was “adult language” and I was a young child. These deeply impacted me!
So to say that I am fiercely dedicated to understanding and revealing my truth is somewhat of an understatement.
And this is what makes me a master at what I do. I remain curious, observant and desiring to uncover all facets of what is going on inside of a relationship. And that starts with my relationship to myself First! There is really no middle ground in this for me. We are either all in together or we are not. I am open and always willing to hear the other persons experience of me, even if at times it is uncomfortable and hard to swallow. I want to know! I desire to know how people experience me! I value these words and times when people are expressing to me what I am doing that doesn’t feel that good to them!
This does not mean that I will change my behaviors for them. This means that I can take in what they are seeing and experiencing and see if it is something that I may want to revisit or redirect. It is information that I get to look at and hopefully objectively decide what I might need. It is a collaboration within each relationship that creates the bond and the depth of intimacy in that particular and unique relationship.
In closing ~ this is not an easy or comfortable process. I am not suggesting that anyone blurt out all the things that have been bothering them about their partner, spouse, child, sibling, friend, etc. I am hoping that you will be discerning in the way you approach these types of tender and deep conversations. They are conversations that may take a while to sort through and unravel each persons identity inside the exposed information. It can be time consuming and a commitment must be made to the process of knowing.
I consider this to be an adult conversation that the person initiating will hopefully have done enough processing before they decide to bring it to the other person. This is not about bringing it to the person that “triggers” you. This conversation will only take place after the trigger is personally revealed and explored. Then when you are clear you can bring forth your information in a way that will hopefully deepen the relationship and not create a wedge and distance in the relationship. I have found if this is done with consciousness and love then resentments dissolve, assumptions don’t exist and deeper connections develop.
