My Pondering’s Continue–

I feel I am becoming so curious about my connection to the sometimes “struggle”. I would describe it as a default setting.  I look at myself and connect to the silly, joyful and happy parts of my life experience. However, I see the first thing that rises is “struggle”. Not always but this is the “query of the moment.” I am very curious about that feeling. It rises so swiftly at times that when I do catch it I am shocked by it’s force and familiarity. The conscious part is that I make myself aware of that feeling and literally talk to myself about what just showed up. I have been questioning this “struggle piece” for many years. I know it started for me at birth. I am laughing as I write this (didn’t want to insert a smiley face) because I can go into my history of my Italian Catholic background. I may actually touch it during some of these blogs but for right now ….Oh the heck with it.

Here goes…. we suffer! That is what we do! Not that anyone ever said those words but that is what was implied. Walking into a Catholic Church and all I remember is feeling the oppression and repression of my soul.  And the deeper part that something sacred was through those huge medieval  doors and incredibly beautiful and at times horrifying stained glass windows.  Of course as a little girl I didn’t have any understanding for what I was feeling. But what I do remember is the smell of the incense. I loved it and the calm feeling that it gave me. I remember laughing and giggling when the priest and altar boys would pass by the pew. I also remember a nun coming towards me to bring me to the back of the church because I was so happy. REPRESSION/OPPRESSION! Even writing this I laugh at the absurdity of the experience. However, the message I received at that young age was feeling good was somehow BAD. Nothing conscious just a feeling sense to be on guard and be aware that when those good feelings rose I had to hide them or be “punished”.  The above picture is a “church” for me. This is the Atlantic Ocean in Iceland where I chanted standing at the entrance remembering incense and hallowed walls and knowing/feeling the sacredness of this earth. (Did you ever notice that sacred and scared have the same letters–hmm interesting)!

Laughing hysterically as a child…..fast forward to Iceland. Peg and I in a store trying on hats..laughing hysterically about them….and people spreading out moving away from us. I watched that not because of others but because I am always aware that adults laughing loudly with exuberance causes responses, reactions and feelings. I see I hesitate to write this because it might illicit a feeling response from someone reading this. Hmmm… what would that mean if it does?

While journaling today I wrote about how I will not stop myself from feeling what I feel. Because a story can rise and stop me from being in the fullness of the moment. It is the projection/story about a past experience or future thought that can take me out of the present moment. The exuberance of my present moment is really all I have. So as the thought of struggle rises I say to myself…who’s thought is that anyway? I am feeling alive, happy, excited, curious about whatever is before me. Then the “struggle” or insert whatever word works–creeps in and if I am not aware and present with what shows up then it takes me out of the FUN! So my work/exploration is to continue to watch those “struggle feelings” rise and say Hello and Goodbye with a empathetic heart and mind.