Another post from my Musings on a Mountain~
This woman from New York who is afraid of the woods has built a house on the top of a mountain surrounded by boulders, forest, animals and is sparsely populated~and I do NOT carry a gun!
Sitting alone in my house on the top of this mountain feels incredible and scary. I see I do not want to use the word scary but that is the word that came to me. It feels accurate from a historic perspective and partially accurate presently.
The woods generally scare me during the day and at night they can freak me out. And I am surrounded by thousands of acres of dark woods here in Colorado.
I have 9 acres of land and my property attaches to thousands of acres of BLM land. This is state land that is wild and untouched except for a dirt road that runs through it for hunters and campers
As a child growing up in Queens, NY I lived in an urban area. Cement school yard, which was also the church parking lot on Sundays. Cement park even where the monkey bars, swings and seesaw were located. We did have beautiful big old trees on all the streets until a disease took most of them over a period of a few years.
I was never encouraged to go into a wooded park to play so the thought of it was scary and unfamiliar. They seemed dangerous and uninviting. I have always loved to walk long distances and have been an avid runner for many years. I began hiking with others over 30 years ago. However, over the last 20 years I have encouraged myself to walk and hike in wooded areas alone.
I have “an idea” that I should be afraid to be alone in this house.
I am excited and delighted to be alone in this beautiful house that I created and designed.
I feel in awe of the things that I do and the way I have overcome so many false beliefs from my childhood.
I can sit home alone in Northport without any interactions with others for days. So what is the difference between the two? Because I am in a neighborhood there? Because I can walk out my door and hear cars and know people are very close? Because I can get in my car and drive a few minutes or even walk to a store or restaurant? And here I am 35 miles to the nearest town. At least a 10 minute walk to the nearest person or house and that would not be a walk at night because there are bears, coyote and mountain lions. It would actually take me longer to drive to a house because walking would mean I would go as “the crow flies” and not on a road.
I say to myself… so this is why you feel the way you do. It is logical! I can convince myself that my fears are logical. But as I write this I don’t really feel that afraid or fearful. I feel the silence welcoming me into it’s arms. Caressing me with its expansive warmth and space. Allowing for anything to be revealed and explored.
It is the illusion of how people and activity can give the feeling of safety. But I am safe inside my own skin. I am safe and protected inside my own being. I am OK inside this dwelling that I created. My body or this house or both?
It is the child boogie man thoughts that want to come and grab hold of me and drag me down that path of fear. I will not let them take hold of me.
People that live in this community full time have said to me… you stay in your home without a gun? At first I found humor in that statement. Then it scared me and then it confused me. What I eventually found out is they meant it more for animals than for people. I think? But they do like their guns and I don’t think they break it down this way~Guns for protection from people or animals. It’s just a simple statement “You need a gun in your home.” That concept freaks me out! One year I did try to learn to shoot a gun. That freaked me out just as much as the thought of having a gun in my home or carrying a gun.
So I will sit in my home here in the mountains of Colorado and feel some fear about the darkness, the animals, the woods and allow for this to move through me while I rejoice in the experience of sitting in my home here in the mountains of Colorado without a gun while feeling safe, secure, curious and in love with my life and my accomplishments.
