Artwork by:Toni-Cara Stellitano
“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.” ~Alan Watts
I was at dinner with a friend and I always walk away from our time together stimulated because our conversations are so dynamic and rich with questions, curiosities and common interests. One part of our conversation was about rules.
She is the mother of an adolescent daughter and her and her husband are speaking about rules and creating certain parameters and boundaries. I am translating this into my own framework and from my own lens of experience. The way I interpreted what she is doing and what she is saying: We will teach her certain rules so she has a foundation and then as things happen we can stretch and bend and decide which rules work and which rules want and need to be modified, expanded, ignored or kept.
I really loved the way she talked about rules. It seems soft and accessible. Unlike the rules that I had to abide by as a young girl.
There were the 2-10 year old rules : too many to list but here are some trivial ones
~Kiss grandma
~Kiss aunts and uncles and cousins and any other adult that said hello to my parents
~Go to church on Sunday
~Wear a hat or some sort of lacy thing on my head in church rule
~The No talking or laughing in church rule
Then the adolescent rules: Again there are just too many to list here so I picked the most laughable ones and ~ A lot of these rules pertained to boys
~Keep your legs closed
~Don’t get too wild with the boys in the street while playing ball or roller skating or riding a bike
~Don’t role up your skirt in school so the back of your knees show rule***(see below)
~The Whore and Virgin rule (so much to explore in this one so it will be its own blog post)
~The mom and dad selfish rule ~ theirs are the only needs, desires that are important and because of that the child (me) grows up not knowing that I have any needs, desires, wants or ideas that can be shared, explored or expanded upon. This one took me years to unravel.
Rules that were inherited and seemed to work fine for my grandparents and parents because ~ It just was the way it was! Actually I am pretty sure they never really worked fine for any of them but they adapted and accepted them.
Then I come along and decide that these rules don’t really work for me. So what do I do -it’s 1961 and I am 13 and I rebel. And rebel BIG TIME! Upon reflection it was so much fun and so innocent.
Smiling and writing about these innocent years while today 10 more school children are killed and others injured. I don’t know how to make sense of any of this. What are the rules now? Where are the rules now? Are there rules anymore? I do not want to morph into something political so I will stay a bit generic with my thoughts and feelings.
I read an article today** about how governments are actively pursing depopulation because in the long run it will save them money. It’s being done through poisoning our water and food sources, through vaccinations, big Pharma and the medical procedures. Ultimately by keeping us off balance and diseased. I find myself dropping into some despair around parts of this and also I desire some semblance of~what I perceive as sane rules to sink into.
I will take the simplicity of wearing a lacy thing on my head in church rule any day over being one of the children, teenagers in schools today not knowing if one of their classmates is going to open fire on them and their friends.
***This was a Miss Carol rule. She was one of the only non-nun teachers in the Catholic High School that I attended for one year before I got expelled. Miss Carol use to tell us that it was a terrible thing to have our knees showing but it was almost sacrilegious to have the back of a girls knees showing because that was the ugliest part of our body. WTF!!! So when she would walk out of the classroom I would role up my skirt and prance up and down between the desks with my knees showing. OOPS!! I was Ejected, Expelled, Thrown out, Kicked out, Booted out which is what they did because I was unmanageable, uncontrollable and the best part ~ They called me The Girl with a thousand Faces because I would roll my eyes when they tried to enforce a rule.
Take aways~
Some rules are just plain ridiculous
Some rules are needed for structure, form, guidance, regulations, protocol, procedures
The Girl with a thousand faces comment has served me well through the years because learning to utilize the 43 muscles in my face has kept me youthful and somewhat silly.
This blog post encompasses the duality and complexity of life. Silly, horrified, joyous, curious and always desiring to know more of who I am!
I welled up when You referenced the ten children who died. I think about this often, the “rules” in families, the silent ones, the ones that are dangerously implied “Don’t upset your mother” and “ Don’t anger your sister,” the rules that are deduced and that teach children who they are and are not allowed to be in relation to the happiness and welfare of others. I say “AHO” to the rebel, “AHO” to the courage of the breaker of such rules, and “AHO” to the parents who are willing to painfully look at what those rules are really “protecting.”
Thank you Toni-Cara! Yes, many blessing to all of us that stand up and speak out truth especially the parents who are willing to look at themselves. Love–
One of the rules that I rebelled against was, “You are a girl so make your brother’s bed and clean his room.” Needless to say that I was unmanageable, uncontrollable and adamant in my refusal. I did suffer the consequences of my words and actions that day but only had to make my own bed and clean my own room after that. 😚
Thanks for your comment and sharing your experience Susan. I do love how you advocated for yourself and ultimately got a need of your met. Love-