Saying Goodbye – An Opening into the Unknown

This past year has seen me saying Goodbye to a few people that were dear to my heart. One I have known for more than half my life and the others for just over a year or two. The impact has been the same. I have felt a deep sadness and a deeper curiosity about the feelings. I have an aunt who died a few weeks ago. I felt a celebration for her life. I didn’t have much contact with her for many years but I have fond memories of her from when I was a child. Then there are the others that have inspired this post to ask myself the bigger questions about connection and/or lack of connection. I do not have any answers here on this blog but I wanted to write about it to have more form in these feelings and thoughts.

I am curious? How does one loss or passing bring celebration? My aunt passed, I will never see her again or hear her voice that will always remain in my head and heart. She was a smoker for many years and had that distinct raspy smokers voice which was actually quite endearing.  It made her who she was… comical, outspoken and witty. The others are still here, in physical form and I have a sadness around no longer having contact with them. I am curious…

Does the finality of her passing quell the sadness? Is there a knowing inside of me that some questions will just never be answered because she is no longer in physical? Is it because the others are still in physical form and they choose not to share their “answers” or their “questions” with me? Share their life with me?  I think that is part of this query for me.

Allowing myself to come to terms with this realization that sometimes “Goodbyes” are not an ending but a beginning into The Unknown!

These experiences have given me a way to stretch myself into knowing that everything does come to an end. Even in writing this “An End?” What does an end really mean? It is all about how I feel continuing to move forward without these people in my life? Do I personalize their decision? Do I allow for the unfolding of the unknown in their decisions? Yes, to all of these questions that I ask myself. I feel-what it is I am feeling-and allow for the bigness of the next part of my life with or without these people in my life. The finality of my aunt dying has given me the opportunity to reflect on how that felt so clear to me. Death- the completion of a physical life or something that I have no “control” over. It actually seems simpler than when someone chooses not to respond to questions about “what happened in our life together?” “Why would someone not want to respond to direct questions?” The desire for another to become more intimate in a life of collaborative discovery. These are questions that physical death has opened up for me.

The actual death of my aunt feels easier to accept right now than others being in physical and choosing to not speak what it is they are feeling and experiencing. To explore together our thoughts and feelings. To figure out how to move forward or if we desire to move forward in relationship. To hear each other even when the words or feelings might be hard to manage. To be open and non-defensive in the “hearing”/listening to how the other person feels. To be able to hear about whatever happened and how it impacted our life experiences. To not shut down around what the other persons experience is and to be able to hold a space of unconditional acceptance for each experience.

For me, this is relationship. This is relating! Death occurs whether people are in physical form or not.

Diane Divone